Day Sixteen Volunteer for You
“Wherever a man turns he can find someone who needs him.” Albert Schweitzer
Have you ever considered volunteering and then quickly thought, “Oh I don’t have time for that. I need a job. I need a boyfriend – or a girlfriend. I need to work. “ But what if I told you volunteering might be the shortest way to fulfill your needs?
Melanie met her future husband when he was delivering Meals on Wheels to her mother’s neighbor. He was looking for the neighbor’s house; Melanie was walking her dog. Evan liked her Labrador; he also liked her. A few weeks later, they started dating.
John met his future wife, Erin, at the hospital where he was a resident physician. She was volunteering there as the “book lady.” He said later that he was attracted by her laugh and how pleasant she was with his patients.
Hannah was seeking a job in a very competitive field. Her resume was non-existent. She saw an ad in a local newspaper asking for a volunteer in the field she was pursuing. No money but sometimes tickets to the theater they needed to have reviewed weekly. She took the non-paying gig. Months later, she had a reasonable beginner’s resume.
Another young woman wanted very much to have land to install a vegetable garden. She had no money and no one she knew had more than a potful of earth. One day, she saw an ad for a volunteer gardener. She raced to the elderly judge’s home. They agreed to swap her gardening for a piece of his backyard. She deadheaded his flowers, watered them and kept his home’s landscaping looking good. He gave her a generous space in his back yard for her vegetables and flower garden.
When I came to my own new waterfront small town recently, I was alone. But within weeks, I knew at least ten new can-be friends. How? I attended church and I volunteered for the local Maritime Museum. Now I have my very own Lighthouse to show folks.
Volunteering is a great reference. People respond to others they see giving their time, talents and care to others.
Meditation for the Day
“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” Mark Twain
Action for the Day
Small Changes
“Going against your normal inclinations for 24 hours can lead to self-discovery.” Psychologist Robin Hornstein
Hornstein says that even a tiny change can start a revolution in your life.
Betty walked to work after she moved to a big city. She was lonely but she enjoyed the surprises she found in the 15 blocks to her job. One day, she discovered a brilliantly flowered garden behind an iron gate and a small cottage hidden behind a skyscraper.
Another time, she discovered a thrift shop owned by an eccentric. He sat in a red throne and never moved as customers roamed his hundreds of old movie tapes. Betty mentioned his cache of classic films at work and made instant movie maven buddies.
Steve decided he needed to lose weight so he parked blocks away from his office and walked the rest of the way. One day, he discovered a neighborhood basketball hoop and some teens who played pick up games there. Soon he joined them in short games on his way home. Yes, he lost weight but he also had more energy and he had more fun.
Evie was shy and very quiet and brown bagged her lunch each day. Then her sister dared her to invite a colleague to join her for lunch. Evie gulped and asked the other shy gal in her law firm to join her for a quick lunch. They found they had a lot in common: they talked more, laughed more and when they went to lunch, others began to invite themselves along.
Let’s pretend we’re secret service agents scouting out a new route for our high power charges to travel. Which streets are the busiest in the mornings? Evenings? At lunch hours? Or, let’s pretend we are movie location scouts. Where is the most beautiful private park? Which building has gargoyles on its façade? If you were filming a love story where the girl is rich and the boy poor, what would their homes look like?
Meditation for the Day
Each day in our lives is different; each moment offers us a new possibility.
Action for the Day
This week, I’ll change a small part of my usual routine; then I’ll consider what I learn from those small changes. July 1st Hot Sand and Fireworks
“Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.”Charles M. Schulz, cartoonist, Peanuts
Am I a Tough Cookie?
“A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” Eleanor Roosevelt, US diplomat, writer, reformer, First Lady
Eleanor Roosevelt was born in hot water. She was born into a moneyed family but she was afflicted with a well publicized homely face. All her life, she endured insults and slights and references to her supposedly ugly appearance. As a shy and awkward girl, she was starved for love.
But instead of falling to pieces or hiding in an attic, she grew into an adult whose caring for the suffering of all races, religions and nations, grew so monumental that she became one of the most beloved women of her time – and ours. She fell in love with and married her handsome cousin Franklin Delano Roosevelt. She had six children – and when her husband was paralyzed with polio, she became his most devoted care taker and daily reporter. She even joined the women’s division of the State Democratic Committee to help him keep his interest in politics alive.
She went on to write a newspaper column that drew political enemies and friends alike. She worked for the United Nations before she died in New York City. But her strength came not only from her courage and intelligence; she had a wild sense of humor.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue. It said, “No good in a bed but fine up against a wall.”
She was also a smart and tough woman. She told others: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence [every time] you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”
Meditation for the Day
“Never allow a person to tell you no who doesn’t have the power to say yes.”
Action for the Day
Each time I tell myself I can’t do something, I’ll remind myself of all the others who have said, “I CAN and WILL do that. . . and then did it. Why not me?
Climbing Higher and Higher
“Have no friends not equal to yourself.” Confucius, The Confucian Analects, Chinese philosopher & reformer
Earlier this month, I wrote about a young AA member who said, “My friends always take me out to drink even though they know that I always land up getting arrested. I have a problem forgiving them for that.”
I wished that we were able to make comments. If so, I would have said this: “David, honey, they are in such bad shape themselves that they couldn’t possibly do better by you. And secondly, you choose them to be your friends.”
Yes, I know that we aren’t always in the mind set to choose our buddies and friends, lovers and even spouses with intelligence and a teaspoon full of self preservation. But my grandmother was right: “Birds of a feather travel together.” And for those who have addiction problems that are suicidal.
What I learned as a host parent for 60 young drug and/or alcohol addicted men was this: Anyone with ANY addiction cannot travel with those who are in the same sinking ship. Those friends who lead us to our worst selves have to be cut out of our lives like cutting out a cancer. I know, that sounds horrible, gross, tough. But you can’t get straight while others are working to keep you a druggie, an alcoholic, a sex addict… you name it, unhealthy friends will encourage YOUR self-destructive behavior.
But what you can do is what an orphan child I knew did. He decided at age 12 to find the kind of folks he needed around him to help him find a good life. He has a talent for finding kind and caring mentors who are smart, established in their own work, and who have shining characters. Watching them, listening to them, learning from them, he became a successful and honorable man. He is equal to his friends, and his friends throughout his life are equal to him.
Meditation for the Day
“When we see men of worth, we should think of equaling them; when we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.” Confucius, The Confucian Analects,
Action for the Day
Today, and tomorrow, I will seek out friends who will help me climb higher and higher.
Eyes and Hearts
“I think one of the most exciting things (about life) is this feeling of mystery, feeling of awe, the feeling of looking at a little live thing and being amazed by it and how its emerged through these hundreds of years of evolution and there it is and it is perfect and why.” Jane Goodall, Famed gorilla scientist
One day while in New York City, I treated myself to a visit to the Modern Museum of Art. I only had an hour but I wanted to see a new exhibit of painter Georgia O’Keefe’s work. At the doorway to her show, a guard and I stood facing a huge canvas on the opposite wall. We were both silent. Then the guard said, “What is it supposed to be?” He smiled. “It’s very pretty; I mean, I like it but I don’t know what it is,” he said.
The long rectangular painting had a pale blue background and was filled with fluffy looking, cotton candy white and pink floating forms. It felt mysterious and serene. I felt like I could walk into it.
“But what is it supposed to be?” Mr. Brown insisted. We decided to check out the label we could see near the painting. As we did, we both started to laugh.
The sign read: “Clouds as seen from my airplane.”
O’Keefe, whose huge paintings of flowers helped make her a famous artist, was asked why she painted little things sometimes yards larger than they were in real life. She said she painted them so large because most people didn’t really look at or see the world’s smaller things; that they missed seeing them. Isn’t it true that we miss so much of what we pass each day? That we don’t take time to see our world?
Terry, a friend, is an artist. Each time she would walk with her young son, she would stop here and there and say, “Oh look at the bark on that tree. Aren’t the shapes incredible?” Or, “Look at that spider web. Isn’t the way it’s spun amazing?” Or, when she taught summer camp, she might say to six year old students, “Just look at that flower. Isn’t that color gorgeous?” Her son would joke with his friends, “Watch out for my mother; she will make you stop and look at every leave on every tree if you let her.” PS He grew up to be a very talented photographer. Is that so bad?
Meditation for the Day
“Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.” Confucius, Chinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC)
Action for the Day
Today and every day, I’ll spend five minutes really seeing what surrounds me.
Soft Power
“You cannot fly like an eagle with the wings of a wren.” William Henry Hudson, English critic & naturalist (1841 - 1922)
Today I heard the phrase “Soft Power” for the first time. “Soft Power’ means being so strong that negotiating rather than socking the other guy in the head with a rock is the stronger path.
It’s like a man I once dated. Andy is a Black Belt karate champion who telegraphs strength. Even the way he stands, relaxed yet alert, says he’s a guy you do not start brawls with — EVER. Police officers I’ve known, whether 6’4” or 5’6”, all have that “command presence.” So do many women who also have faith in their abilities.
A friend once said the nicest thing to me. I was in a blue funk. You know, the kind where nothing is horribly wrong but nothing is going in the direction you want to go, either. So you feel not quite on target. Rick, who owned a really cool coffee shop/hangout said, “Look, some people are rabbits, some are tigers, and some can fly like eagles. Why settle for being a rabbit when you can fly like an eagle?
Rick meant that I should “go for it.” I think that whenever we “go for it” with our own two wings, we are showing enormous “soft power.” Have you ever talked someone into hiring you when there was no job in existence before you opened your mouth? That’s soft power.
Have you ever surprised yourself by walking up to a stranger and introducing yourself at a party, a pool, a polo match (who goes to those anyway?) and act like you know that he or she will welcome you with open arms? That’s soft power.
Have you ever said NO to someone and left him or her happy as a clam? Now, that is big time soft power. Or, maybe it’s just self confidence plus confidence in the outcome. Which is another way to say you know how to fly like an eagle?
Meditation for the Day
“Commitment in the face of doubts and fears is a very spiritual thing.” www.RealLivePreacher.com
Action for the Day
This week, I’ll think of ways to get what I want using soft power: self-confidence plus confidence in the outcome.
Strangers No More
“Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels.” Hebrews 13:2, The Bible
I am an Alanon member but it’s always an adventure when I go to an AA meeting. Sometimes there are no Alanon meetings where my job has taken me. Sometimes, an Alanon meeting is held in the same building as an AA meeting but later, so I stay for the AA meeting first. Either way, each meeting is filled with folks once strangers.
One meeting I went to took place in a tiny building in a rural area in Texas. Cowboy boots and hats were the style. There was a big chocolate cake, baked by one man’s mom to help him and the meeting celebrate his fifth year of being straight. And celebrate they did, whooping and chatting and having a grand time before and after the meeting.
At a meeting held in a library, AA members were dressed in tweed and Argyll sweaters and behaved very formally; the “professors” of AA, was my amused observation.
At yet another, I soon realized I was at a meeting held by and for homosexuals. I was surprised how much sexual lives were discussed but really, why not? Sex is a major part of our lives; however, I wondered if the discussions would be different if gay folks were permitted to marry when they find love. I imagined talk of marriages, home and child care and lots of things we all take for granted as part of our lives.
However, in 12 step meetings, there are no strangers. The stories we hear are open and touching and by sharing them openly, we play leap frog over stranger status. AA, NA, Alanon, and other 12 step program members welcome each person, known or unknown.
Their various welcomes say the same thing: “YOU are NOT a stranger. YOU are one of us. We will listen; We will share your pain and your glory. We’ve been there, done that.”
When was the last time you went to a 12 step meeting?
Meditation for the Day
“We all need someone, some time.” Lane
Action for the Day
Today, I’ll play a game with me. How many strangers can I turn into friends today?
Food for Thought
“Shipping is a terrible thing to do to vegetables. They probably get jet-lagged, just like people.” Elizabeth Berry
A loud car horn sounded nearby. “Oh, there he is now”, said one neighbor. “It’s the farmer who sells produce here every Thursday.” We followed others to our parking lot. The elderly “down home” country man’s truck bed was filled with ripe tomatoes, fat strawberries, potatoes and onions. I’ve been a city gal for a long time but I dug into my pocket and treated myself to fat ripe strawberries – and lots of juicy memories.
Have you ever wandered in the woods searching for ripe wild blackberries? Have you ever taken the family out to a nearby farm to pick apples or beans or berries? Have you ever picked up fallen crabapples for your grandmother’s jelly? Did you ever grow a shiny huge red juicy delicious tomato? Or a bunch of tiny patio tomatoes for salads?
My grandfather shot and caught food. We had rabbit stew, venison meat, and fish galore. Now each ingredient in an average American meal has traveled at least 1,500 miles—and with the cost of gasoline, it shows in our food prices. And often tastes like cardboard.
How about trying the 100 mile diet? It’s no big deal; Europeans do it all the time.
Check out your yellow pages or your Chamber of Commerce. Where is the nearest farmers’ market? Farmers’ markets are chuck full of colorful, nutritious, and high quality food. Do you want to get it even fresher than that? Pack up the kids, your parents, or a “share neighbor” and drive to a farm where you pick your own. Or grow some melons or tomatoes or eggplants or beans all your own.
I remember our 10 year old son’s voice as he showed off the rows of veggies in our backyard to a young friend. His voice was filled with pride as he said to his buddy, “Here, have a cuke. We have lots of them.”
When was the last time you tasted a peach from the tree so juicy and sweet that it dripped down your chin? How about celebrating your food and trying the 100 mile diet?
Meditation for the Day
The great thing about eating local is that it’s not an all-or-nothing venture. Any small step you take protects your family’s health and supports small farmers in your area.
Action for the Day
This week, I’ll consider eating at least one thing that comes from less than 100 miles away. For fun. For tastier, healthier food. To save the environment. Why not?
Self Esteem: Up or Down?
Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. Eleanor Roosevelt
I was thinking today: Does being addicted to drugs, alcohol, tobacco, gambling or sex bring on mind-numbing low self esteem or does low self esteem lead to addictions?
Nathaniel Branden (no relative), Ph.D., a psychologist self-esteem pioneer says it’s both. He says, “The more solid our self esteem, the better equipped we are to cope with troubles that arise in our personal lives or in our careers, the quicker we are to pick ourselves up after a fall, the more energy we have to begin anew.”
So what is self-esteem? It is knowing you are able to handle challenges that come your way, and knowing that you deserve any good things that happen to you.
Here’s an unforgettable true story: Two dancers are equally talented, equally attractive. Both work very hard to succeed. One day, a famous agent sends each to meet an equally famous director. He needs a last minute replacement for an important television role. Both are called with little notice. Each young woman just washed her hair.
Nina quickly wraps a bright colored scarf over still damp hair, and in jeans and t-shirt rushes to meet the director who’s giving up his lunch hour to meet her. Atta, the other dancer, tells the agent, “Oh I could never go. My hair looks terrible.”
This is a true story. Nina has a healthy self esteem. She knows that nothing’s perfect but she will do the best she can. And she respects the director’s sacrifice to meet her.
Not long after, Atta quit her studies and gave up her dreams. Why? She cannot say but the truth is success came too close. Folks who have low self esteem fear success more than failure. A voice in their heads say “What, me? Who am I to deserve such success, such glory, such fame?” The right answer is “Why not me?”
Books: Nathaniel Branden, Six Pillars of Self Esteem, How to Raise Your Self Esteem
Meditation for the Day
“The things we hate about ourselves aren’t more real than things we like about ourselves.” Ellen Goodman
Action for the Day
Who am I, Nina or Atta? Who would I rather be? Today, I’ll start moving from here to there even if it takes a mentor, a plan, and/or a therapist to help me to do that.
The Surprise of Happiness
“You are probably already happy and just don’t know it.” Dave Waxler
Have you ever known a cat or a dog? A happy dog is very different from a happy cat. My neighbor Eileen has a sleek pale red cat that is totally content lying under Eileen’s porch chair, feeling the sun on her bones. She lies there, mellowed out, for hours as Eileen, herself a quiet woman, reads.
On the other hand, Hannah’s animal companion is a small red haired Pomeranian dog whose idea of happiness is running in the nearby field, digging up strange things that he promptly tries to eat – to Hannah’s horror – and is most happy rolling over and over in what Hannah refers to as “Don’t ask.”
Well, we all have different ways of being happy, too. One man’s hard work is another’s joy. One man’s drudgery is another’s joyful path to the end goal. One woman’s quiet domestic life is another’s sheer boredom.
Eileen, like her cat, lives very quietly. Her daily bike ride is her only “outside the house” time. She loves her silence and her introverted life. Her joy is shutting the door and the world out and herself and her cat, FitzyPoo, inside.
Hannah, on the other hand, is like her dog. She just has to get outside and run. Hannah roams at least part of every day, walking in the waterfront village where she lives, poking around in little shops, volunteering on boats and in a nearby lighthouse. She loves baking cakes and making soup and reading anything she can get her hands on but outside roaming and poking is the backbone of her happiness.
What makes you happy? Let’s think of life as a seesaw. If one end is loaded down with responsibilities, with serious goals, with the necessary, what is the happiness you choose to balance your seesaw?
Meditation for the Day
“The three grand essentials of happiness are: Something to do, Someone to love, and Something to hope for.” Alexander Chalmers
Action for the Day
Today, I’ll think about this: What are MY three essentials of happiness? What do I like to do? Who or what do I love? What do I hope for? Am I a mellow low laying cat or a frisky curious active dog?
