It’s not personal!
“We also often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor things, and sometimes taking things too personally.” Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama
How many times have you felt your temper rising after a store clerk was rude to you, or someone cut you off on the highway? How many times have you in your anger raised one finger to that driver or returned rudeness with rudeness? How many times have you thought,” I won’t let them treat me that way.”
I recently saw a funny sitcom wherein a character, a young female lawyer, was feeling insulted and angry with a take out clerk she spoke to regularly. It seemed that every time she would order her food on the telephone, the woman answering would say, “Oh I Know. Same as yesterday” and then she would giggle!
The lawyer became obsessed with the insult she perceived in that response and particularly in that giggle. This person was laughing at her loneliness, she complained to her friends. She “burned” more and more each evening. Finally, she decided to confront this person for once and for all. She stormed down the street, opened the Asian restaurant doors and saw her nemesis. The young female clerk was talking on the phone, taking someone’s food order. The lawyer listened.
After taking the order, the young woman . . . giggled. Miranda, the sitcom lawyer had an “aha” moment. This young woman giggled all the time. She giggled with everyone. She giggle for no reason. A giggle was a part of her personality. IT WAS NOT PERSONAL. The sitcom lawyer smiled, said “never mind” and went home happy.
Meditation for the Day
It’s not about me. Sometimes people do things that are rude or unthinking because of their own issues that day. It’s not personal.
Action for the Day
Today I’ll use my imagination to help me see that it’s not personal. When someone cuts me off, I’ll imagine they’re driving their pregnant wife to the hospital for delivery and I’ll imagine the happy birth. When a clerk or someone else I don’t know is rude to me, I’ll imagine that he or she is mourning a great loss and I’ll feel compassion for them. What other scenes can I create to help me know that it’s not personal?
How flexible am I?
You can’t direct the wind but you can adjust the sails. Anonymous
I once lived in a town known for its many sailboats and sailing fans. Yearlong, we were host to hundreds of sailors from every port one can imagine. The town’s two small yacht clubs buzzed day and night long. Like sailors everywhere, every one knew everyone else. Then one more stranger came to town. A South African flag flew from his home made boat.
The fortyish Afrikaans had cropped hair, sea squinted eyes and was deaf although he could read lips well and could speak. He sailed his forty foot cement boat from Africa through the Caribbean to the Atlantic and then to Chesapeake Bay.
The town’s sailors, young and old, were immediately smitten with him and his little black boat. They were impressed with his ability to sail her alone across such distances. They were impressed with his courage.
I once had the good fortune to sail with Marc. It was a calm lovely day when we set out for Virginia and the Atlantic Ocean. It was here we would part and he would sail alone back to Africa. Suddenly in the middle of a lovely afternoon, a storm came up. A big dark turbulent storm. Cross currents threw six foot waves over our bow. The boat tilted dramatically starboard. Marc, usually a laid back, quiet man, changed as suddenly and as dramatically as the weather.
He raced to the tasks he needed to do to trim his sails, climbed hand over hand up one mast. I huddled in his rain gear, wondering: How can I help him if he falls overboard? How could I even see him in the tumultuous waters surrounding us? He was unconcerned. He became in those moments, the sailor our town had assumed he was. His skills and flexibility with his boat were incredible.
How many of us have the flexibility to deal with problems far less disturbing than a small sailboat in a large storm?
Meditation for the Day
One measure of how creative you are is how you respond to changes in your circumstances and environment. Consider how water adapts to its environment: evaporation, condensation, snowflake, melting, flowing, goes around rocks, fills containers, etc. Anonymous
Action for the Day
Today I will be more flexible in how I relate to people and circumstances.
First Do No Harm.
“To ignore evil is to become an accomplice to it.” Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., African-American Baptist minister and leader of the civil rights movement
When Rev. King said those enlightening words, he was involved in the civil rights movement, fighting on the front lines of a war mired in race hatred and inequality in our precious country.
Today, we are dealing with multiple polarizing situations. Our country is involved in a Middle Eastern civil war many say we inspired. Our television screens are filled daily with loved ones we’ve lost here and abroad. Our immigration laws are muddied by the high number of illegal immigrants arriving here. While some deplore this, others welcome immigrants’ cheap labor.
Add to this lingering racism and constantly changing government decisions that affect our economic situations. Like our ancestors who lived through the Great Depression, we face great challenges. Now, like then, we can love and support our neighbors or use our frustrations and fears to turn against them.
Recently, I was being entertained by a new acquaintance, a charming elderly woman. As we chatted, she unexpectedly said negative things about an ethnic group. I’m not happy about how I handled the situation. I blushed and changed the subject. Did my silence seem like agreement to her? Will my silence encourage her prejudices? How prejudiced am I to allow that to pass by me? In our own personal actions, do we do harm? Are we expedient? Do we too often “go along to get along”?
During past horrific days in our country when an innocent was lynched, many in the crowds did not throw the rope. But they watched, silent. They were part of the “mob.” When Jesus stopped others from stoning a woman centuries ago, wasn’t that a sign to us that we must never be “part of the mob”? First do no harm.
Meditation for the Day
“Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm. But the harm does not interest them.” ‘T.S Eliot’
Action for the Day
Today, I will think before I speak. Is what I am about to say a healing thing or a hurtful thing? If it is hurtful, I’ll consider doing as our ancestors advised: “If you can’t say something good, don’t say anything.” That night, as I lay my head down to sleep, I will be able to do so with a good conscience and peace in my heart.
The Blame Game
In Genesis, when God asked Adam if he had eaten of the forbidden fruit, he said “The woman whom you gave me, she gave me the fruit from the tree and I ate.” In short, he blamed God for giving him the woman who gave him the forbidden fruit. Then when God asked the woman “What have you done?” she said, “The serpent tricked me and I ate.” Again, the blame game was played. Do we do the same?
How many times have you done something that would have been better not done and when faced with it, pointed at someone else. “He did it.” “She did it.” Or, some mysterious “they” did it.
When I was 12 and my brother 11, we had a giant fuss while alone in the house. He slid under our grandmother’s bed in our race around the house, then popped up from the other side. In a wrong and unthinking moment, I picked up my grandmother’s heavy silver backed hair brush and threw it at him! It sailed past his moving head (was that lucky!) and smashed through our grandmother’s bay window!
Our anger flew from us. We stood frozen, horrified. Then my brother ran into his room, brought out a baseball and suggested we brush all the glass off the small adjoining roof and back into the house. We did, then placed the ball where a stranger might have hit it into Grandmother’s room. Our story? “They” did it.
Years later, while chatting with my grandmother, she surprised me by saying, “Oh yes, that was the day you kids broke my window.” I was astonished that she knew. But kids do this. They blame their sisters, brothers, playmates, classmates, whoever is around. But we are adults now and we need to live as adults. We need to take responsibility for our actions – and perhaps have the pleasure and consolation of being forgiven.
Meditation for the Day
“Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.” – Brian Tracy
Action for the Day
Today I will take responsibility for my actions. I will not blame others for the consequences of my decisions, my acts. Instead, I will stop a moment to consider what part I played in the happenings of today – and admit it to myself and others.
Living in the Present
“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” Babatunde Olatunji
After living in different countries and cultures, I came to realize that there are cultural differences in how time and space is used. Some cultures live in the past; some in the future, few in the present.
In America, we often seem kidnapped by the future. Tomorrow all our bills will be paid. Tomorrow we will get that promotion we dream about. Tomorrow we will find the perfect mate. Tomorrow we will get our fifteen minutes of fame.
Only in the Mediterranean — in Greece — did I find living in the present, in the moment. Maybe it’s the siesta times; maybe it’s the constant presence of the blue seas; maybe it’s the sense of ancient civilization that is all around one there. Greece is bountifully rich with beauty, amazing architecture, the words of history’s most amazing philosophers. And Greeks live in the moment — whatever it may bring.
My Greek friends and acquaintances worked very hard at whatever they did. They spent long hours doing it. Yet their sense of fun, of “whatever comes is good” was all around me. When they eat, which was very late at night by our standards (they would laugh at me because I always ate dinner before I met them to eat dinner), they choose bits of this and bits of that and visibly enjoy their food and their company. If they sit at a café drinking kafe or ouzo, they do so slowly, the friendships being shared more important than the drinks set before them. Even the ubiquitous ice water topped with a lemon slice is enjoyed slowly, appreciatively. It is that sense of living in the present that I try to practice now that I am once again home.
Meditation for the Day
“When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past.” Author unknown
Action for the Day
Today I will practice compartmentalizing my life. Today I will really taste the orange I eat; I will stop and feast my eyes on the glories of the world around me; I will do my work as an artist does his, whatever it is. Tonight, if I make love, it will be as if with the only person in the world.
Plan ahead. Or Not!
“You don’t reach Serendip by plotting a course for it. You have to set out in good faith for elsewhere and lose your bearings serendipitously.” John Barth, author of “The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor”
Serendipity: the accidental discovery of something pleasant, valuable, or useful; a natural gift for making pleasant, valuable, or useful discoveries by accident.
I love this word. I love this concept. Planning ahead is safe, it’s not sorry and it works. But somewhere in our lives, we need to come upon its surprises; its unexpected useful discoveries. We need to find serendipity. We turn a corner in a big city like Boston and there is a tiny pocket garden, butterflies hovering. That’s serendipitous.
We get lost on a country road and suddenly, just ahead is the best barbecue restaurant in the state. That’s serendipitous.
We stop a stranger for directions and he’s the son of the man you are going to visit. That’s serendipitous.
The Three Princes, a fairy tale of three young men who, in their travels, had marvelous experiences and constant pleasant surprises, is about having a talent for serendipity. All it takes is an open and inquiring mind and a welcoming heart.
Recently I heard a little story about how an elderly woman who needed a new sofa accidentally met another woman who desperately wanted to give one she had to someone who needed it. They were strangers and met while admiring a little garden. As women often do, they mentioned their day’s concerns. In a moment, both women’s needs were met. Serendipitous?
Meditation for the Day
Am I open to serendipitous experiences or am I so tied to my calendar, my cell phone and my daily routines that they pass me by unseen?
Action for the Day
Just for today, I will change my usual routine: I will take another way to work or to school. I will take a more roundabout way: I will turn down different streets. Or I might park further away and walk the last few blocks. As I walk, I will look around me. I will really see what I see. What is there that attracts me as I walk? Am I one of the Three Princes?
October 18th Living in the Present
God Grant Me Serenity . . .
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” — Reinhold Niebuhr
How many who attend 12-step programs have adopted this simple but powerful prayer? What does its words mean to you?
This is what they have come to mean to me:
God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change . . . Please help me go with the flow. I can’t change what’s happening right now. I may not even understand it clearly yet. Okay, things are not going my way and I don’t understand why. So I’ll just hang loose and see what I can do as the day or week progresses.
The courage to change the things I can . . . This hurts right now but I can make a decision to change the parts of this situation that I am capable of changing . . . So, what am I capable of changing that will be productive and not damaging to me or mine? I must remind myself that rushing in like a bull in a china shop is not courageous; it’s just impatient and overly impulsive. Better that I really analyze what to change first, and think of what the consequences of my “courageous” change might be. There are two kinds of consequences I need to think of – immediate and future.
And the wisdom to know the difference . . . Do I know the difference? Which part of this situation can I change? Which part can only be changed by someone else? Which part can only be changed by the passing of time or another factor? Mostly, am I able to be patient enough to do nothing when that is the best response for now?
Meditation for the Day
“Serenity and inner beauty come when we wait upon God. ‘Waiting’ like that is not merely wasting time.” Eva Burrows
Action for the Day
Today, I will take time to really think of what each part of this prayer means to me. Each morning, I will start the day with this little prayer. It will help me set my feet on the right path each day. It will keep my grounded when my instincts might be less protective of me and my life.
Curiosity the Secret of Life
“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” Albert Einstein
The boy was what folks all too often called “slow”. He could not read well; he struggled to remember that three times three was nine; his handwriting was illegible even to him. Over the years, his parents tried everything they could to help him improve his skills. Nothing seemed to help him.
In later years, he was placed in “Special education” classes. As a student in these mixed classes of learning disabled and mentally retarded or emotionally disturbed youngsters, he suffered more. In class, he became the butt of those disturbed classmates who regularly “acted out.” Outside of class, he suffered from the stigma of being labeled “different.”
The panicking parents transferred him to a special school for the learning challenged. Times were changing as was the vernacular for youth who needed different teaching methods because they learned differently. Eventually, he spent a summer at the country’s most progressive school for Learning Differenced youth — Sally Smith’s Lab School in Washington.
Years later, a miracle happened. The young man graduated from a nationally known medical and dental school as a physical therapist. When asked how he decided to pursue such a technically demanding profession, he answered without hesitation.
“When my knees started to “go” after I did Karate for so long, I wanted to know why. I started to search for information about knees and pretty soon, I just decided I wanted to help fix the body.” In short, what he said was “I was curious and I acted on that curiosity. When asked how he succeeded, he said, “I learned the secret. I have to work harder than everyone else.”
Meditation for the Day
Curiosity is the most wonderful gift that a child can receive at birth. What can’t be accomplished if one only asks “Why?” more often?
Action for the Day
Today, I’ll “feed” my curiosity. I will ask “why” as I wander through my day. The next time I visit a public library, I’ll wander through stacks glancing at the riches in them. I’ll let my curiosity guide me. Does that topic arouse my curiosity? Does the author or something it says on the back or inside cover whet my interest? If so, I’ll check it out. Even if I don’t read it all, it will plant a seed for learning and nurture my curiosity.
Life is a See Saw
“Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.” Robert Fulghum
Sometimes we let things “get us” because our accent is on the wrong “syll- ahble.” My friends Janet and Hannah learned this during one long night in August 1996.
Janet and Hannah met in Greece in 1984. Janet had just graduated from registered nurse’s training. Hannah was a single mother on her first vacation in 15 years. Hannah got sick in Greece. Janet nursed her back to health. Later, Hannah visited Janet in her home town of Seattle. Then Janet visited Hannah in her home town of Annapolis, Maryland. Soon they were emailing and speaking regularly. Hannah encouraged Janet’s dream of working with terminally ill children. Janet encouraged Hannah’s dream of returning to college.
But Janet’s life took a bad turn. She got her dream of working with children who had cancer — and it broke her heart and her spirit. For months, she called Hannah to speak of “my children” who suffered so badly. Each pain they suffered tore Janet’s heartstrings. Each time a little one spent the night retching, Janet felt tortured. A child’s death sent Janet into sieges of tears and depression. Each late night into the early morning hours, Hannah listened to Janet’s despair.
Finally, one dark morning, Hannah created a view of life for Janet that she didn’t know she had. Someone spoke through her, she said later. The vision she presented helped save Janet – and became her own life’s mantra. Here it is.
“Life is a seesaw. When one side is weighted down with troubles or sorrow, you must weigh the other side down with joy and pleasure. Balance will bring you peace.”
That was it. That is it. In life, balance is it.
Janet decided to change her specialty. Soon Janet and Hannah were sharing letters, emails and calls about design classes Janet was taking and Hannah’s quilting passion.
Meditation for the Day
“Life is a seesaw. When one side is weighted down with troubles or sorrow, you must weigh the other side down with joy and pleasure in order to find peace.”
Action for the Day
Today, I will take a few minutes to write down all the things that I enjoy most. I will include things I would enjoy learning more about. I’ll create a list of ways I can add to the pleasure side of my see-saw so I’ll have them ready when I need them.
Take a Deep Breath
“The happiest people I know are the ones who have learned how to hold everything loosely and have given the worrisome, stress-filled, fearful details of their lives into God’s keeping.” Charles R. Swindoll
It’s ironic that stress comes with negative situations and also comes with great joy. Actually, stress is connected with change – change that frightens us or change that delights us. So knowing how to deal with change is knowing how to deal with stress.
When I was a very young girl, I learned an important lesson. A voice teacher said, “Your body rejects the symptoms of stress when you breathe properly.” Huh?
“In order to sing properly, one must breathe properly and when you breathe from your diaphragm, your entire body relaxes,” she said. Ohhhh. Well, then.
Once I learned this new way of breathing, I had a tool to help me relax on command. Speaking or singing in public? Duck soup. Dealing with tough situations with less stress? Absolutely possible. Lowering high blood pressure? Yes, another benefit. Here is what the wonderful Madame Donnini taught me.
Stand with your feet apart or lie on a flat surface. Put one palm on your lower back. Put another palm on your tummy. Now imagine that you are a blowfish. Every time they inhale or whatever it is fish do, they blow up like a little balloon. So take a long slow breath in while you feel your back and tummy. If you use your diaphragm, your tummy will push against your hand in front and your back will push against your hand in back. Be patient. It won’t happen right away.
When it does, you may feel a little dizzy. Never fear; that part will go away as soon as your body adjusts to taking in more oxygen. Practice about 15 minutes a day.
Meditation for the Day
By taking care of myself, I become more equipped to care for those around me: one cannot supply water from an empty cup. — Deepak Chopra
Action for the Day
Today I will consider learning how to use my diaphragm to breathe so that I will be able to control and rid myself of bodily and emotional stress. If I am a visual person, I will check out the diagrams on http://www.vocalist.org.uk/breathing_exercises.html I deserve these peaceful meditation-like moments. Breathing slowly and deeply refreshes and relaxes me and my mind.
