My Little Woolly Red Scarf
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that.” Harold Thurman Whitman, poet, minister, civil rights leader in the 1950s, 1960s
If you had only one more week to live, how would you spend it? What would you do each time you wake up? Each evening as you get ready for sleep? What would you yearn to eat? Drink? Be with?
If it’s a chilly morning, I will wrap my little red scarf around my neck, flip one long end dramatically over one skinny shoulder and go out and strut my stuff.
If it’s evening, I will eat a pizza, followed by with three scoops of Rocky Road ice cream, dig out my huge ball of fire engine red Sports Weight yarn and hook myself another long skinny little red Wow scarf. Rita gave me her pattern. Rita is a whiz kid at the local yarn shop and what she can’t crochet can’t be crocheted.
My little woolly red scarf is a bunch of about fifty flowers stretched out over about six feet. When I first started crocheting this winter, my little red scarf sometimes looked like it had tumors on its sides because I didn’t get that you have to hook and turn, hook and turn. In English, that means that each flower motif has a life of its own. But I finally put in more stitches than I tore out and wow, does my little woolly red scarf get me attention. Sashaying down our rural town’s streets, no one misses it. Most everyone goes gaga over my little woolly red scarf.
“Ooooo, oooooh, I love that little red scarf,” fellas say. “Did you make the beautiful red flower scarf, Miss? ladies in shops ask. I never have so much fun or feel so fancy as when I take my little woolly red scarf out for a walk on Main Street. It’s just like Rev. Whitman said: “Pick what makes you feel alive and then go do that!”
Having been a female all my life, I’m not sure what makes most men feel alive – besides females, but my buddy David feels alive when he looks most un-alive. Every time it rains, David wraps himself in a huge blanket, tucks into a lawn chair on his porch, and sleeps there all night. One neighborhood newcomer says: “When I first moved here, I thought, “What kind of place is this? Do they sit folks who die in porch chairs all wrapped in shrouds? Grandma Como would raise one eyebrow and say, “It takes all kinds.”
Meditation for the Day
“Everybody has his own truth so you just pick your truth.” Heroes, Dustin Hoffman
Action for the Day
Today, I will let myself feel my own truth and I’ll follow my own truth for the day. Or for forever.
The Second Time Around
“We’re given second chances every day of our life. We don’t usually take them, but they’re there for the taking.” Andrew M. Greeley
Patsy Ann, a New Yorker student, returned to Texas and her family. A few months later, she had some surprises to share.
Her voice bubbled as she said, “Dah’lin, ahm goin’ back to college to become a teacher. It’s just plain fun to watch little kids larnin’ from puppets. And ah’m datin’ the boy I adored in hahh school. He’s de-vorced now and ah’m gettin’ him on the second tahm around. How about That!”
Carol had a marriage made in heaven, we thought. Her husband is a famous, handsome, wealthy man who treated her like a princess. Nothing was too good for her. I had to laugh when she traipsed into her overstuffed closet, pulled on some jeans, and twirling around, said, “Look, I have jeans like yours.
And they were only $225!”
Well, this fairy tale marriage hit the skids – because of high heels and new grass. Carol walked across Derek’s newly landscaped grass; they fought; he moved out; they separated with intent to divorce.
Then Carol learned that Derek’s beloved mother had died! She was furious when his secretary broke the news to her and was about to call and lay him out when a friend suggested another response.
“Call him in Utah, tell him how sorry you are and ask what you can do to help.”
Carol resisted then agreed. Surprisingly, Derek asked his wife, a fantastic hostess, to arrange a funeral breakfast – in Utah, a coast away. Carol hung up, stunned. Whaat, she said. Is he nuts? But she took a deep breath, called a hotel caterer in Utah, made arrangements and passed the information to her mourning hubby. He fell in love all over again; he apologized; she apologized; they lived happily ever after.
We all need to get and give second chances.
I once met a gal I instinctively liked but then disliked. We seemed diametrically opposed. For months, we did not speak. Then Alicia’s dad died. I wrote a condolence note saying that I admired her care of him. She said thank you. Soon, we were talking. We’ve now begun to see – and appreciate — our similarities more than our differences. The second time around.
Meditation for the Day
“There’s so much more to everyone you will ever meet than will ever meet your eye.” Fred Rogers, minister, author, host of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood
Action for the Day
Today, I will give the other guy or gal a second chance unless it will hurt me or others.
Just say Yes, Thank You
“One must know not just how to accept a gift but with what grace to share it.” Maya Angelou, African American Poet Laureate
My grandmother, Mary Van Saders, was a giving woman. During the Great Depression my grandmother was a do gooder. Well, almost.
She, like many, took pride in giving to others, but could not accept from others.
Grandma Gill met her match in the Great Government Cheese Giveaway. Each week, during the Great Depression, a truck would come to her neighborhood loaded with flour, dry beans – and Cheese – for the poor folk. It was certainly welcome during the terrible times of the Great Depression. Folks came out of their cold homes with cloth bags and gathered up whatever surplus foods were being offered that day.
All except my grandmother. Even at the end of her life, the story of her refusal to “take charity” was her litany of pride that always ended with “Not like those good for nothing neighbors who always had their hands out. They always took the cheese.”
Grandma would scoop up Christmas baskets of turkey, yams and apple pie dropped anonymously in the dark of night on our porch, but never the government cheeses or beans. It was a real sacrifice because her daughter, my mother, loved cheese. Once, during the Great Depression, my grandfather told me, a neighbor offered Grandma “milk for the baby” but Grandma said No Thanks. “We never did take charity,” she often repeated during her last years.
After growing up, I met many who are too proud or embarrassed to accept food stamps or other “handouts” as they call them—even while their little ones were regularly fed peanut butter and stale bread. I see my grandmother in them. But I know another part of my grandmother’s story. My mother had rickets in her legs as a girl because she suffered malnutrition during the Great Depression.
My mother was prone to easy bone fractures all her life because she never ate the Government Cheese or drank the neighbors’ milk — that would have provided calcium to make her bones stronger.
Grandma Gill, who prided herself on being a giver, a do gooder, couldn’t allow others the same warm feeling of giving. And sometimes gracefully accepting from others what they are trying to share is the best gift we can give another human being.
Meditation for the Day
Accepting is the other side of giving. Both are gifts.
Action for the Day
Today, if someone tries to help me, I will consider it a gift from me to them to say, warmly, “That’s very kind of you. Thank you.”
Stressed? Who, Me?
“Be happy, healthy and in peace.” Jeffrey Brantley, MD, and Wendy Millstine, NC, authors of Five Good Minutes In Your Body
Today, our lives are filled with decisions, split second changes and keeping a dozen balls in the air at once, many of them red ones. Knowing how to get rid of stress is a blessing and a half. Taking a poll,
I learned about some tried and true, even some wickedly funny ones that work. Why not try one you may not have tried before?
• Go to sleep at the same time every evening and get the same number of hours of sleep each time. This can work even for day sleepers.
• Stop eating two hours before bedtime.
• If you have trouble snoring, lift the head of your bed with some yoga blocks under the mattress or try using pillows that also lift your head; try nose snore tapes.
• Take a long leisurely warm bath before bedtime… expensive spas swear by them.
• Plug in a wall scent; the most relaxing are said to be Lavender, Jasmine, or Chamomile.
• Do some Yoga PM exercises before sleep. Slow and gentle is the ticket.
• Meditate. For those who have never tried it, here’s a beginner’s method. Dress in loose pants and T-shirt or pajamas; sit on a yoga mat or thick blanket. Breathe in slow and deeply, when you exhale, think or say aloud your special “mantra” If your thoughts interrupt your relaxation, just move back to your mantra. My latest favorite is the one opening today’s essay.
• Patsy uses murder films to kill off the day’s traumas; Angie uses Disney films about dogs to unwind; George plays his copy of racetrack triumphs over and over to kick his inner stresses. Danny works on his boat. Whatever unknots the knots.
• Exchange neck or foot massages with your significant other, or hire a pro.
• Write a paragraph or two of the things you are grateful for that day two-three times a week.
• Take a walk; smell the great outdoors; snuggle with your sweetie — or your pet.
• Every day, invite change into your life. .
Meditation for the Day
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein
Action for the Day
Today, I will pick one stress buster from the list above that appeal to me and try it for a few days. Or maybe I’ll try two. Why not three? I deserve to have a stress free life.
Trust Me!!!
“As a rule, when I have heard some slight indication of the course of events, I am able to guide myself by the thousands of other similar cases which occur to my memory.” Sherlock Holmes, in “The Red Headed League”
In other words, if someone lies to you, it will remind you of Cousin Joe who revs up his golf scores so repeatedly that no one trusts his version of yesterday’s game. Or Fanna, who always counters anything you say with “Can You Top This” stories about her own alleged experiences in that obscure area. Her gain: Momentary ego growth. Her loss: No one trusts her word.
In generations earlier, it was said that a gentleman’s — and a lady’s word — was their bond. Well, we may not say that out loud these days but the saying that a man — and woman—are only as trustworthy as his word still lives on.
I have a friend I have been close to for 35 years. That fact astonishes everyone. Even my own son asked, “Mom, how can you have a friendship with someone for 35 years?”
Several reasons, she and I sometimes note. We were young single mothers when we met and had a lot in common then — now; we are each other’s history; and we trust each other.
We trust that whatever we say, no matter how awkwardly, it is never meant to harm. We trust that we don’t trash each other when we are apart. We trust that we each have value and don’t need to compete with each other. We trust that, though our backgrounds are very different, we respect each other for what and who we are.
We trust that if and when we are needed by the other, we will be there for each other. We trust that we are each other’s cheerleaders.
We trust that we will never lie to each other except in “social butter” situations. As in, “That new haircut looks fine” when it looks like a porcupine’s bad hair day. The glue that holds our 35 year friendship together is trust.
Meditation for the Day
The most valuable gift you can give and get is the ability to trust and to be trusted.
Action for the Day
Today, I’ll spend five minutes thinking of how trust affects my life.
How to Buy a Smile – for a Dollar or Less
“A multitude of small delights constitutes happiness.” Charles Baudelaire
A wealthy psychiatrist friend lost half his savings in the economic downturn. Self described as a “slum landlord,” he can’t refinance the mortgage he has on his newest property. As he admires his two sailboats, he says “Life is a bitch and then you die.”
Another friend, retired with a tiny income, budgets $20.00 monthly for “fun” and has a great time with that $20.oo. When grandchildren had birthdays recently, she didn’t feel obligated to send them three figure gifts as she once did. Her latest gift to each of the girls was a card enclosing a crisp new $5.00 bill. During the thank you call, they both gushed about the fun they had spending it.
I shopped with my retired friend one day and we had a ball. She trekked me to a discount store and we each spent $10.00 to buy smiles.
Here is my list of ten items for one dollar each. What would you put on YOUR list?
1. A package of 4000 wildflower seeds.
2. Ocean scented room spray.
3. A photo frame inscribed with “MY DOG.”
4. A package of tea candles for bath time and late night yoga.
5. A package of brand new kitchen dishwashing sponges.
6. A bar of Pears glycerin soap — that cost five dollars when I was a teenager.
7. A long handled purple back scrubber.
8. A nice looking white plastic basket to keep cleaning products and shoe polishes in. No more last minute searching around.
9. Skeins of pretty knitting yarns for $1.00 each that cost $9.00 elsewhere.
10. A new address book in pretty colors.
Meditation for the Day
“There are people who have money and people who are rich!” Coco Chanel
Action for the Day
Today I will search the Yellow Pages for a list of local discount stores and one day soon, go play Treasure Hunt at one of them.
Please Tell Me You Love Me
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu
A man who has a wife and two small children had brain surgery. His visible wounds embarrass him so his mother made him a very soft warm hat to help camouflage his wound. She was puzzled when asked to make three more “Wound Hats” exactly like his. One for his wife and one each for his two little girls. Then, she understood. Each wanted to wear the heavy winter hat during the warm spring to help him feel less damaged. They were saying how much they love him.
A family, whose dad and mother lost their jobs and were forced to limit their family outings, began a new tradition. On Sundays, the family separates to write one reason they love each other on seven slips of paper. The slips go into a large bowl. Then, the bowl is passed around the dinner table each evening. Everyone takes a slip and reads it aloud. Then they guess who wrote it. It’s called their “Luv Ya” game.
We all need appreciation. From the infant who has no words but recognizes the cooing sounds of love to toddlers to school age children to young adults to ME, we all want to hear we are loved.
When children go to school for the first time and are overwhelmed by new people, they feel safe when they know they are loved. When teenagers struggle with puberty, high school, first dances, even young unrequited love, they get through it all when they know they are tops in their own private world. When young adults struggle through first jobs , new roommates or not getting the future they dreamed of just yet, they become survivors when they know they are considered resourceful and capable.
And Parents; Well, we also do really well when others say, in words and deeds that yes, I love you.
Yes.
Meditation for the Day
“All it takes is love, baby; all it takes is love. “
Action for the Day
Today, I’ll tell myself and others that yes, I want to know. Just tell me, if you do, that yes, you love me. Yes, you do.
Gifts on the See Saw
“Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around encouraging young things to grow.” Thornton Wilder, “The Matchmaker”
A few months ago, I read how children of foreclosures and job losses are being pulled from school lunch lines and fed cheese sandwiches when their parents can’t ante up lunch fees. As a sometimes substitute teacher, I felt pain. Not because cheese sandwiches, milk and fruit can’t feed a child — although school lunch may be the only hot meal a homeless child gets that day — but because the single most important need a child has is to feel “normal.” Or at best, not different from friends or classmates.
Once, at a summer camp, workers’ children shared the experience with youngsters whose families fit neatly into “Under Poverty Level” labels. The one up kids’ parents sent them to the lovely wooded day camp with sacks stuffed with lunches and treats. The others often came with nothing. When we tried to help by providing them with box lunches, they refused to eat them! We couldn’t understand why hungry children would turn down good free food. And then, we “got it”.
Those free lunches, identified by their white paper boxes and delivered daily on a truck, were shaming the subsidized kids. The boys and girls only began to accept them after counselors and teachers all ate the free lunches — and generously praised their contents.
All faiths say that we are obliged to care for others. All psychologists tell us how much good we derive from doing good deeds. So, how can we do good deeds for the families around us who need help without shaming them? Anonymously.
Can we toss in an extra fiver when we pay our kid’s lunch fees? Can we find a way to help get clothing and shoes to families who need them with no fanfare? Can we support healthy food banks in our churches and synagogues and mosques? Can we help a jobless person find a job? Can we help a homeless family find shelter? Can we slip a few dollar bills under their door? What else can we do to balance life’s see saw for others?
Meditation for the Day
“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” W. Churchill
Action for the Day
Today, I’ll be an anonymous good deeder.
Children and Love
“Govern a family as you would cook a small fish - very gently.” Chinese Proverb
For a long time, I believed I was a failure as a mom. My mea culpa list included:
• Losing my temper and sometimes screaming at my only child;
• When angry, telling my precious son to “stop acting like you’re walking under water” instead of just “hurry up” because sarcasm is especially cruel.
• Getting angry when C. said his father (with deep pockets) always bought him what he wanted and I didn’t. The fact is that I bought my son what he needed and that was good enough and I wish I hadn’t let myself feel belittled by that.
• Allowing him to go live with his father at age 16; neither was ready for that.
• Once paddling him on the butt with a ping pong paddle. My son hid it immediately; we didn’t find it until we moved and it tumbled off the top of a very tall bookcase. Hitting someone smaller than
I was made me feel like a rat.
Then my son married and became a father and I see his incredible love for his family and perfect hands-on fathering and I think of what I gave him that was good.
• He has a tremendous work ethic; we ate out each Fridays to celebrate my weekly pay check. That taught him how important it was to have a job.
• He has a wonderful sense of humor – I am a sucker for laughter.
• He is fair and even tempered. In spite of instead of because of.
• He is resourceful. He was raised by a single mom who learned how to be a survivor so we could be survivors.
• He is highly creative and confident; I attended art college while a single mom; C. sometimes went to class with me and, at age five, once critiqued my fellow artists’ work with confidence as they listened respectfully.
• My son is a pragmatic adventurer. We would take off on small adventures fueled with silly guidelines like “How far can we go on a Trailways bus for $10.00?”
I loved him and let him know he is the light of my life. I now believe that most of us all do our best and one day all of us, kids and all, realize that we are good enough.
Meditation for the Day
“Life, love, and laughter - what priceless gifts to give our children.” Phyllis Dryden
Action for the Day
Today, I will enjoy my family – whoever and wherever they are.
Good Mourning
“He, who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery. Author of The Little Prince
Black satin ribbon festoons trail long streamers from her door’s lamp. Ancient sepia photos are attached to her front door. The father she has been protecting, caring for, visiting daily in the local nursing home, died this morning.
Tradition sustains us on these occasions. It touched me that this woman who says she has no interest or respect for her Mediterranean culture, instinctively used the trappings of her father’s Mediterranean culture to signal her distress.
In most cultures, family members, neighbors, and friends bring food to the mourning. Some cultures have times of viewing of the open casket and its contents; others bury their dead within days… or hours.
As our neighbors make a path to her door, carrying fruit, cake, flowers, I remember my own family’s deaths. . . and the goodbyes that accompanied them. My multicultural family combined floral wreaths on our door, an open casket viewing (I always thought the traditional statement “He looks really good” a bit bizarre), ghost stories, and a huge feast and small glasses of whiskey for the men following the viewing.
None of this is for the dead; it’s for us, the mourners. Funeral rituals are bridges from terrible loss to acceptance. I was once asked to speak at a funeral for a 14 year old who shot and killed himself — an unthinkable act. I chose to talk about his talent and sense of humor and the joy he brought everyone – we celebrated his life. Young classmates heaped small gifts around the base of his closed coffin.
They chose to dress in black — and hugging each other, they wept quietly in corners. And then they went to a second room where they were served coffee and delicious pastries.
I walked to my neighbor’s door with my favorite poem about mourning and home made chocolate cupcakes because chocolate, I am convinced, is comfort food.
Meditation for the Day
“Of permanent mourning there is none; no cloud remains fixed. The sun will shine to-morrow.”
Action for the Day
Today, if death visits my life, I will take the time to mourn in my way, at my pace, until finally, I am ready to once again seek the sun.
